To Shaina: A letter about Bryan's foolishness

Dear readers.

I've made a big mistake. A big, dumb, stupid, immature, stupid mistake. There's no point in announcing what it is. Me and Shaina both know it was stupid.

So what's the point of this letter if I can't tell you what I did wrong? Well this letter isn't for you. It's for Shaina. Hopefully she'll read it.

I know she knows what I told her was true; however, even though my intentions we never meant to hurt her, being recklessly careless is still hurtful.

I'm really sorry. I know how embarrassing that must be. I don't want people thinking of her as just another beautiful girl. She's much more than that. She's funny, caring, and one of the smartest people I know.

Hiatus of the Hiatus

Well, I suppose I haven't written anything in a while, so one would think a writer should be writing a script and not on his blog. One would also say SHUT UP.

Any ways I've got the old Ipod on shuffle and I'm almost 4 drinks in.

The last time I wrote, I think I wrote about a girl I was into/starting to date. Well its now 7 months in and rocking!

My mini depression/woman hatred is over since I started seeing Shaina (my GF).
She's awesome. We're pretty like minded. I feel like I might be the more impulsive one in the relationship. But we both pretty much have the same social/economic/political views. She's so pretty! I always wanted to date a smart girl. And as soon as she said she was a Uni student from UofT studying History. I thought she was 8 times hotter!
Unfortunately, She was still a bit immature with somethings in life, like her feeling she was ugly and worthless. For a girl who is so smart. I would have thought she'd have self respect! For a girl so hot and so sexy, why does she must hate her self?!

Anyway the idea went through my mind that I'd be the Fixer in the relationship. That seemed tiresome. I'm tired of saving people!

But that's not what happened. She listened to me. She believed me when I told her how beautiful she is. How smart she is. How much she can potentially contribute to society.
Everyday she amazes me. Everyday I learn about how much more struggles she goes through and how much she overcomes them by. She's taught me so much about the everyday North American struggles in the 21 century. she's taught me much more about my myself than anyone else could have taught me.

And then I realize that She wasn't the one who needed fixing.

After a year of feeling nothing. I started to feel again. I feel alive.
Shaina has helped me much more than I've helped her with her eating problems or her self-esteem or school problems.

She's put my faith back into humanity. I feel I'm so brutish but she makes me feels soft and kind hearted.
Her warmth explodes like a supernova and leaves a resonating beauty that will stay for quite some time. I hope her nebula can radiate around me for the rest of my life.


SO I'LL GIVE AN UPDATE ON MY LIFE!

-Happy in Love
-Starting to Gaff
-Working for IATSE
-Have my own HD camera and nice Tripod
-I know now what I want to do with my life!

Your friend,
Bryan

Entry log #7 -The Untitle-ing

Well, usually I'd be ranting now. But I don't have anything bad to say! I'm too happy. :D It's weird man... Kinda scary! So here's the deal. Me and this girl I've been talking about; Shaina, are now dating. It's awesome. Too good. lol New Bryan is saying just enjoy it! But old mid2009-mid2010 Woman Hating Bryan is saying thinking horrible things.

Aaron says Shaina has soften me up. I didn't know I was that edgy. In retrospect I can see what he meant. I didn't really care too much about my looks/what people thought of me this past year. And I'm glad I was like that. I learned a lot for sure, however; I think I'm back to the old original Bryan, High school Bryan, but Adult Bryan.
I like caring again. I like having someone care about me. And having someone genuine. So this whole thing has been a circle. I feel like I'm me again.

It's been good hanging out with her. We have great chats and laugh a lot. But then I have to remember it's only two weeks in. So I feel as if I should step back a bit. I don't know what to think. Do I just be laid back and see where it goes, or do I get attached and hang on. I'm still very skeptical I suppose. But when I see her I think. Why? Why should I be laid back Bryan. She gorgeous, caring, fun, ambitious. So I don't know.

It's Negative Bryan fighting Positive Bryan.

Do I want to go in head first and risk it and be hurt again like I have been twice before? Or maybe I'd go in head first and possibly have this absolutely beautiful relationship.

I don't know. It's a weird thing.
Well all's I knows is this girl is Sane and I like her a lot. So Why not? Dex would be proud. Haha me and Dexter had this saying in College. "Why not".

I think I now understand what it really means.

So that's whats been on my mind. She also put her hand on my wall :) By that I mean... In my house, I have a room where I go to get away from the world. It's called my 'Jam' room. It used to be my old bed room. Now it's where my friends and I hangout. So I ended up taking the doors off my closet and putting a couch in it. LOL I know, it's awesome. But on the inside of the closet I get my friends to draw an outline of there hand and then Sign/Date the inside of the hand. So Shaina's is in there. I just wish I didn't have my other EX gf's hand in there. I feel it's insulting to put someone like Shaina's hand beside it. I HATE, I LOATH my exes. And I love my friends. So to have the ex's hand up on the wall frustrates me to have it beside the people I do love.
I've thought about painting over it.
Something tells me I shouldn't. It's like erasing over something I learned a lot from. Even though I hate it. I have to keep it. To remind me. Or something poetic like that.

Other things. I miss my sister misty a lot. I wish I was better to her :(

Schaaweeeeeet

Cool, more work coming up. It feels like forever since I've worked with Alex (my gaffer).
I say that as if I've been working with other people/jobs. But Alex is the only one that gets me work. lol If it wern't for him I'd still be P.A'ing.

I've been working hard on the old Final Cut Pro and i just posted Scrabble Night 2.
People seem to like it. As Alex said. "...it's always hard to follow up such a great first piece." Which is true. I think the first one was funnier. Having said that the Acting might have been better in the Scrabble 2.
He also offered some good advice. Which is really nice from someone who's been in the biz for over 20 years.

What else
OH and im seeing a lady friend now ;)
Remember the girl I was talking about in the last post? Ya we're dating now.

So things are going good now. Weathers gettin' warmer. Starting to jog again.

lol give it a week and I'll go back to being pissy ol' Bryan

Yours,
Bryan

New gal?

OK. So I promised myself that I'd post this.

I like a girl... I have a crush on a girl.

Shut the fuck up. I know, I know... sigh.
But seriously... She's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot. I mean not like, "damn gurl, chu hot" ... I mean like MODEL hot... This girl is like a Victoria Secret model and she doesn't even know it!

And for some reason... She likes me?

The thing is... on the first date, I fucked up. I was swearing like a pirate. I didn't have a good control of my mouth. I was SO hammered.
The second date I was shy and awkward. But the third date I kissed her. :)


Now tomorrow we're going on our 6th date to the zoo. I hope I don't fuck up. She's uber cute and sooo cool. I can talk to her on a friend level which is nice.

More from me about this topic... hopefully more topics will come of this.

yours, Bryan

AJAX

HOLY FUCK

I'm watching American Pie 2.

At the 2 of the 3 MAIN points of the movie... They were playing Sum 41. Now I don't like them. But holy fuck. This reminds me how big they were.

Ajax is an odd town. No one would ever admit that they were from Ajax.
It's not like a big town that's 'In Tha Hood' or has an importance to society.

But that's why it's important. It's a White town. Right out side of a "hood" (scarborough).

It's suburbia. It's cookie cutter houses. It's creepy.

It's where everyone cuts the grass every Sunday after church. Ok, it's not THAT conservative. That's just ridiculous. But it's still weird. We're in between Scarborough and Oshawa. The two dirtiest places in the world.

At else do you expect?!

All in all I'm just saying, even middle class kids are still cool.
Hell, If I was 26 and had a Hit on American Pie 2. I'd be pretty happy.

Ya that's me...

cheers,
-Bryan

Bryan's Fliff Night

Now I'd like to say I'm good at holding my own when it comes to alcohol. And I usually am. But contrary to the Black Eyed Peas, tonight wasn't a good night. All in all. Aaron and I had a blast.
But for me, if there's one thing that goes wrong. I have trouble letting it go. It's not that I got tanked or loaded in anyway. I just had a couple of drinks and an ego.

This whole past week Aaron and I have been talking about comedy and doing awkward things in person. Aaron tells me these stories, some that involve him saying horribly vile things. Now as I'm laughing at these things I'm thinking, jesus, I should try this too. To try breaking my comfort zone so to speak.

1) After 3 Pints, Aaron and I are at the bar seats and the Waitress comes over and I make silly remark about how the old people can even dance to this shit AC/DC cover band's song. She laughs. Then says
"Omg wait till you see the guy in the Red shirt dance".
And while being in the mind set to be weird, rude, and awkward. I say something like
"We'll if he dances as good as he looks then he's a keeper."
I soon realize that none of that made any sense and made me seem homosexual. But whatever, as ridiculous as it was, I tell Aaron this, he laughs we get another pitcher of beer.

2) Earlier on we saw some old acquaintances 2 guys, and 1 girl (and her friend, also a girl). One of the guys I remember in high school as being a jokester/prankster. The Raven of the high school party club, so to speak. He had even made some witty and obscene jokes himself. After the night was pretty much over. I go to say good bye to him and the others. With his knee is out and a quiet moment, I go for it. Another stupid joke. I pretend to sit on his knee and do the ol' Kris Kringle and say something stupid like "Ohhh so I want a Pony and I want a..." Fuck off we've all done it before.
So, what I thought would break the silence, turned into him saying. "Get off me or I'll punch you in the Balls."
Now, as a man. I understand where he's coming from. I was in the wrong, however; being tanked and with this guy that I thought was a friend who also joked around, I wasn't realllly in the wrong. He did/said worse things than I did just 5 mins. ago. Fuck people can't joke anymore. Maybe I'm not good at this comedy thing?

3) So Aaron and I are walking these two girls home. I'm pretty sure they're both drunk. Any hoo, half way through the walking we realize that we're all going to have to split soon. One of the girls offers to drive everyone home. As her house is closest and she has a vehicle, we all agree. When it came time to get in her car, it was all frozen over. Naturally, Aaron and I offer to scrape it off. There's some like...
"No we'll do it",
"No it's OK you're driving us, we'll do it."
"But no you walked us home blah blah blah".
Finally I said,
"Don't worry, I'll do it. Like a Gynecologist, I'm good at scraping things".
There was like a good 3 Mississippis before the girls caught on. The one said "Oh I get it. Ew."
The other said "That's gross and not funny."

I got a drive home and here I am after a night of miscommunication.

Your Friend,
Bryan